06/06/2026

Yesterday we lost neocities due to a misunderstanding but what matters now is that the site is back and that I know have a local copy of my website's code. Perhaps we could consider hosting ourselves oneday. I digress. What I wanted to talk about today is how to refocus on the things that matter when everything else in life doesn't seem to go the right way. I've had an interesting history with mental health and stress. One that isn't too different from what others have gone through.

The other day I anticipated a callback for a role I was really looking forward to. I always held a superstition that if I imagine a life for myself I was stealing the future from myself. So if I had nice dreams I "knew" that it wasn't meant to be. What a miserable way to live life, no? think about it. You're going along and just got off a date with a nice girl and you think "I'd like to plan another date." you would naturally think about what that would be. By my old twisted logic by thinking about a second date you have sealed your fate of being ghosted. Stuff like that has happened to me so I need to put it to rest that this "knowing of what can't come" is a curse that is to be removed on my own thought process. So consider it dead. Thoughts don't rob the future, for the future does not exist to be stolen from. Peaking into my dreams is no theft of reality. I can't forbid myself from hoping for nice things as this would rob me of my humanities. So I tell the world of strangers that the way I see the world is different. The world is on it's own clock, it's own rules, and people live free lives. I know myself to be someone respected by many people I meet and I refuse to believe that things don't work out simply because of factors OUTSIDE of my control. not because of anything I did or did not do.

On the topic of other things. I want to give thanks for the friends in my life who have hung around. I'm grateful in these times of uncertainty because I have been certain that there are those who have and would continue to stay in that hardship.

The next section I want to restate my goal for the coming year. This isn't a dream to rob my future of opportunity but rather to set my sights to work towards. I want to work for the city and I want to contiune using GIS. If that meaans picking up temp roles for GIS while working county desk roles than that might be the move. I simply can't sit around and do nothing. Thinking is fine but thought without action amounts to nothing. and that more than anything is what robs my future. I won't say I didn't get this job because of a passing thought of what it could look like to work there. I had the resume and the work experience. I have everything I need to get my feet moving. I'm sending out the applications, I'm trying as I can. It's bullshit when people claim I'm not doing enough. it's bad luck for those to judge what they don't fully understand.

So to my original point, how to I not lose hope? but making new hope each morning. At one point I had to give myself proof of hope, proof that there was a reason. and that is why many times I've lost hope. In face of reason it can be hard to hold onto the things we can not see, touch, or feel. it is rational. but what is rational is not always good. so where rational is harmful we must craft hope out of something else. a bare minimum. a breath of life is a new rational for the future. Today I breath, I am not eaten, defeated, dead. If I am not dead then there is more to come. I have my eyes set on something. Something will get me there, just so long as I keep my head up long enough to spot the connection. Luck is about putting yourself in the right place at the right time. that is the factor of luck that caan be controlled. I recently noticed I've been have a bad string of "luck" these last couple of weeks but despite that my joy has stayed much more stable. I can't give solid evidence as to why, but the what we can do with it is this. KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I continue to breath, I watch my health, and I seek knowledge where I am not seeking employment. I have fun where I can have fun. And I can seek out rest when needed. I'm optimistic for what is to come because I know regardless of what I do or do not think, IT WILL COME, for it is done and it has always been. Blessed is me for I know where good things originate from.