05/16/2026

I'm hitting another point in my life that I knew I was going to hit sooner or later. I can feel chapters in my life. A part of me used to be sacred of it, because it always meant people would leave me. I never liked it when people left my life. No matter the terms, any person whose come into my life, and touched me in a sincere way always ends up leaving the biggest holes after they've left. I think a good christian would say that that pain is to be given to god and to let him fill you with his prescences. Respectfully, yuck. It's my pain. and perhaps I'm a greedy man, but I believe that the pain isn't so hurtful. And I think He would agree. Last night I had the sweetest dream. I was in an office, working. And my old manager and one of my dearest coworkers who was and is and always will be came around the corner. I left my job on the roughest terms and they were the last two I had a deep impact on before leaving. My Mangaer smiled but then his joy was replaced with a mix of sorrow and pity. I knew it was for me. even he who always was and is and always will be also lost his iconic spark. His Jolly laugh and belly that shocked. replaced with the same look of pity and shame. Before I could let them speak I puffed up my chest. "Have you gotten any calls for a referral?" I asked. I knew the answer was no. even in a dream I couldn't escape from that reality. "no" my manager said, solem set in near stone. "Baaah dang it. I knew that resume needed extra work. I'll break through those bots some how" I responded, smile on my face. "I'll be alright. Don't worry. I'm exactly where I need to be." But then you showed up. Not YOU dear friend. but you. I knew you were there. you came in with the other two but at first I didn't want to look at you. I wanted to move on. I wanted to just learn the lesson and move on to the next. Be done with it. But if there was one thing I wanted to say, if I knew I had to say anything to you. I'm sorry I didn't wish you happy birthday September 7th.

I remember saying I was an open book, how there wasn't much I would say here that I wouldn't say to anyone else. But even thinking about it now. I want to be greedy and save it for myself. But I will say this. Thank You Friend. I accept. And What I said was true as well.

The part that fills me with the most joy is when I woke up I knew it was the most wonderful dream. One I will cheerish for a long time, so long as God allows me. And There was a promise I made to myself that I think will always hold true. I think it was the best closure a man could get in a dream. My resolve formed anew. I don't have a general direction, but I do have a new found fire. One that feels quite familar to me. An old friend. I hopeful for the future, even if it's fake.

I've always had a weird connection to my dreams, they've always felt helpful at times. I used to think I see the future in them. but really at best they were tips. I used to think of myself as a mystic. But these days I feel more like an observer of many things. A keeper of record. I failed defender, a lost but hopeful fool. and Wit of sorts, ever helpful at the right moment. I used to dream of being a Hero, but those are shoes best filled by better men. But many men make up an order. and I always want to find where I can be helpful, center stage or off to the side. I once seeked a guide, but at this point I think I can figure it out from here. I've got the best guide already. So if you're still reading this and not cringing to yourself, why? No no, really. I'm impressed. I wouldn't call myself critical of myself but I never really believe anyone takes what I say seriously. not in a pessamistic way, I'm just very funny. or when I'm angry, I'm intense. I never liked my anger. I felt it did me a disservice. Anytime I felt I could use it for change I only ever just made an ass of myself. There is nothing in this life that changes for good out of fear and force. Rivers suggest over time and glaciers wear away at inches in a year. Guns are destructive, they don't make anything. Violence is a low emotion. I'm emotional, but that isn't a bad thing. It's just something I am always mindful of.

But serious if you're still reading this, would you be interested in my dreams? have it as it's own tab and I try to break it down? Could be interesting.